I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
