Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
