god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
