im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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