Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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