someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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