i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
