did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my being single is dangerous.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
