Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
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Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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