I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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