i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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