my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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