Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
