I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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