Will you blow on my dice?
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
