I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
