I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize