Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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