So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
