...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
