I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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