After last night, I could never be a politician.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
