Pappa wants mamma naked
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
