who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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