she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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