Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
