It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
