Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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