i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
