I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
