sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
