Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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