i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
