Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
