Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
