in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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