Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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