I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
