I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
