the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize