After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
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