Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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