Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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