I think i peed on brittanys purse
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
