I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
