So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
