im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
