So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
