You can't special order awesome
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
