terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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