Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
