Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
