The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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