It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
