doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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